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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It frustrates my close ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.